Conflicting Feelings in Adulthood

True story: My younger brother tormented me quite a bit as I was growing up, and my parents would hand out frequent discipline. I think I was 20 years old the last time we went head to head. 

My brother had been diagnosed with everything under the sun growing up; bi-polar, manic depressive and paranoid schizophrenic at varying times. If I recall, he was in his first mental institution at the age of 8. I couldn't even list all the problems he and I had starting at a very young age.

You can never quite describe what it is like to grow up with a troubled sibling. I had two very normal sisters; one older, one younger. My brother was a totally different story. He was fostered by my parents starting at 8 days old and then adopted by them at 2 years old. He was basically blood even if he looked nothing like us (we were all blondes/tan skin and he was a red head with freckles and pale skin).

People who know about my brother and our past will ask, "do you forgive him or have a relationship?" Sadly enough, I don't. I think I left that relationship when I left Florida almost 4 years ago. Sure, we talk on holidays and I get updates on his son, but it's different. The amount of mental and physical damage that was "our relationship" made me resent him and dislike him tremendously. I can remember the really bad times, really well and then there are so few good times. Or maybe, it seems that way.

When my brother was in jail in his late teens, he wrote me a letter. I think this was the first time I wanted to make an effort and give our relationship a though. The whole "I am sorry I did all that horrible crap to you, I found god." That lasted all of 6 months before he was right back to doing what he does. Disappointed, discourage and out of trust I kind of gave up. Actions speak louder than words and if you say something and don't follow through, it means nothing. 

It is hard to know and say that I don't have a relationship with my brother. I have to say it is what it is and be ok with it. I refuse to dwell on everything I can't control in my life. Relationships of all types take two to make them work and I won't give two times what I should. Perhaps one day things will be different until then ...