Always the Forward-Thinker Who Happens to be Missing the Past

Let me start by saying I don't consider myself a complainer, a negative thinker or a person who talks about something to get attention. I am just a girl, who start a blog and sometimes an idea sparks and I feel the need to write.

So, I read a beautiful and slightly depressing article recently about a long distance relation (or lack of relation) between sisters.

I related a little too much to this article, in a bigger way.

I live 1,156 miles from my family - exactly. Door to door. 17 hours and 46 minutes from the Upper West Side of Manhattan to the little town of Vero Beach, Florida. I miss them, daily. Some days more than others. Maintaining what I would like to call a normal relationship with my family has not been easy.

Family is never easy though, right? They can be loving and supportive or overbearing, irrating and ... invisible. At the end of the day, I love them.

I smack dab the middle child of 5. Older half brother, older sister, me, younger brother, younger sister. With the exception of my older half brother, we all grew up together and couldn't be more different. 

I am 4 years apart from my older sister and younger brother. I have a strong personality, I strive to seek every bit of independence I can, perfectionist to a fault, and always looking for something to prove - whether this be to me or others.

I look at my siblings. My older sister is the most loving mother. When she loves someone, she loves with her whole heart. She doesn't really care about mainstream. She is laid back. She puts her kids first. There is so much I admire about this. I can't believe I am about to say this out loud, but I am not sure I want to have kids because I am too selfish with my time and life. At the same time, I think that is ok to admit. I admire that she gives up her time and does it willingly so that her girls can have a great life. That in return makes her happy.

Ah, then there is my carefree (maybe too carefree little sister). I have missed 6 years of my no 16, going on 17 year old sister growing up. The good bonding years. It makes me really, really sad. But, I can't not live my life. Selfish, again, right? I wish she and I were closer, I really do. I think she is not entering those teen years of not trusting many and being truly rebellious. I really worry about the path she is setting for herself. I know, in the long term, she will ultimately have to decide that. She is such a strong willed, stubborn girl. That can get her so far in life if she puts it to the right things. :)

That brings me to the two people who raised us; my parents. Man, I was such a daddy's girl growing up. I am not sure when that switch flipped and I became my mother's daughter. I suppose some time in my late teens. I got to experience the best of both worlds.

I miss the relationship I had with them. At times, I am jealous of the situation that exists back home; everyone living near each other, spending time together, enjoying each other. I miss out on all that and don't feel included. 

Being so far away and even leaving home for DC almost 7 years ago, I thought "distance makes the heart grow fonder." But, I think in my case, distance has just caused a wedge and sometimes "out of sight, out of mind" is more how I feel. Needless to say, the telephone will go silent for weeks, even months at a time. It is no none's fault. Not everyone can have a picture-perfect family.

That being said, I set a goal for myself, knowing that I will most likely never live in the same state as my family again to be more proactive in my communication. To send a card randomly, a text saying good morning, or even a video message regarding something about my day ... just to let them know I am thinking about them. :)